Ask Amy: We know a secret, and nobody will tell his wife. Should I send an anonymous note?

Dear Amy: My friend “Jane” texted our group of girlfriends with information concerning another girlfriend, “Maggie.”

Amy Dickinson 

Jane told us all that she was using a social media dating app while out of town for business and Maggie’s husband “Jed” (also out of town for business) “swiped right” on Jane. The screenshots she shared with us showed that he had set up his profile to appear single.

Jane asked for advice on what to do with this. We have long suspected Jed was no good, but we also acknowledge this couple could have an open relationship. Either way, we felt it best that Maggie have the information.

Jane and I don’t know Maggie well, but another woman in the group, “Susan,” does.

Susan agreed to pass the information on to Maggie discreetly and tactfully. Unfortunately, it’s been months, and we just learned that Susan never told Maggie because it makes her uncomfortable.

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My husband, also close with Maggie, then said that he would tell her. He also hasn’t followed through, citing the same reason.

I went back to the source and asked Jane to notify Maggie, and she also declined, saying it “wasn’t her place.”

I am starting to get antsy knowing this information is in everyone’s head except Maggie’s! I feel terrible for her. I feel wrong stepping in but I just feel she needs the information.

Do I drop it? Is it out of line to send an anonymous letter or something?

I don’t want to cause more drama or confusion, only inform.

Fretting

Dear Fretting: My first piece of advice is that you should all stop discussing this as a group. This has descended into the realm of personal gossip.

The obvious solution would have been for Jane to respond to Jed’s swipe, saying, “Dude, I know your wife!”

Otherwise, all you know is that this man is posing as an unmarried man and “swiping right” while out of town. While I agree that this is dishonest and definitely a violation of most relationship norms, this is all you know.

You might be the right person to put this to rest, because you don’t have an extant relationship to protect, and it is obviously bothering you.

If you decide to contact her, you should only tell her, “A single woman I know saw Jed’s profile on a dating app. I don’t know anything more than that, but after wrestling with this dilemma, I’ve decided to tell you.”

Otherwise, drop it.

Dear Amy: My niece (the youngest) is getting married in far northern Minnesota at a luxurious location. I live in the Southwest.

My brother (her dad) just sent me an email telling me that his wife is very upset that I am not planning to attend. He stated that he had hoped one person from our side of the family would be there.

I live 1,000 miles away and work full time. I cannot afford airfare — or gas and hotel expenses — nor can I take that much time away from work. In addition, it would not be wise to drive that distance alone.

The bride’s dad and another of my brothers are retired and have excessive incomes. Should I consider asking them for the funds, so I might possibly be there to represent the family?

 A Sister in a Quandary!

Dear Sister: In addition to the father of the bride, you have another brother who might be able to represent your side of the family.

You have lined up a list of reasons why you cannot attend this wedding. (Either you can get the time off from work, or you can’t.)

If you want to attend, you should respond honestly: “I would really like to be there, but honestly I just cannot afford the expense. I’m really sorry.”

Your brothers might offer to finance this trip. If so, I hope you’ll go.

Dear Amy: I’m appalled by your response to “Stressed in the West,” asking about wedding invitations to her cousins who have expressed racist opinions and used racist slurs.

Racists are not “bozos.” They are hateful, ignorant and dangerous people.

The accommodating view you express contributes to the ongoing crisis in the U.S. Racism in all forms should not be tolerated.

Yes, the decision is for the couple to make, but the bride’s parents can make it very clear that they stand 100 percent behind their decision not to invite racists to their wedding.

Liz

Dear Liz: My mistake. These cousins as described were not only “bozos.” They were racist bozos.

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You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

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